Last week, I saw this photo in my Instagram feed. Actually, it wasn't the picture that struck me so much as the quote with it: "Sometimes loneliness makes the loudest noise." (Aaron Ben-Ze'ev)
~ The quote immediately brought to mind 'Supersonic Sound' (more about this later)
~ I wasn't familiar with the author of the quote, but the name is Hebrew, and having lived in Israel for three years I was curious to know if the author is Israeli
A quick Google search turned up his professor bio at the University of Haifa, and a list of some of his published works. It turns out he is a regular contributor to Psychology Today on the topic of relationships, and a couple of his posts struck me as being related to some of the themes I've written about here.
Living apart together - this reminded me about 'All we ever had is gone', especially this part:
"I have suggested that loneliness stems from a lack of meaningful relationships. Since such relationships are essential for love, a most painful type of loneliness can occur in a romantic relationship in which the physically close interactions are psychologically meaningless. Breaking up a relationship because to be with the partner is no longer meaningful, or challenging, is a common and legitimate reason for romantic separation [...] Needless to say, creating meaningfulness depends not merely on investing time and effort but also on some measure of similarity and harmony between two people. Hence, the feeling of loneliness, associated with disillusion, is a reason for people to disconnect a romantic relationship. Loneliness involves the yearning for profound love."
So yeah, Ben-Ze'ev said it much better than I did ;-) But it was interesting to read his article and find confirmation that it is common for romantic relationships to end because of a lack of 'meaningfulness' (in the song: 'changing all that we wanted, we let the life we had unwind'). When couples break up, I've noticed that other people seem to always assume there is some 'fault' or a root cause that is easy to point to and categorize. They ask 'What went wrong?' as if by knowing he cheated or she was a workaholic, they could then wrap their mind around the break up. But when you hear about people 'growing apart' it seems like a non-reason, something you can't understand or find fault with, and it's difficult to truly fathom the loneliness unless you've gone through it yourself.
This article discusses how romantic profundity helps a relationship to endure in a way that romantic intensity on its own often can't.
"Profound love has the potential to nurture growth and improvement, and even to bring out the best in both lovers. This is exemplified in the notion of romantic resonance in which each partner amplifies the love in the other. Shared emotional experiences and joint activities are certainly an important aspect of romantic amplification (Krebs, 2015). Moreover, research has demonstrated that when a close romantic partner views you and behaves toward you in a manner that is congruent with your ideal self, you move nearer toward your ideal self. This has been termed the "Michelangelo phenomenon." Just as Michelangelo released the ideal form hidden in the marble, our romantic partners serve to "sculpt" us in light of our ideal self. Close partners sculpt one another in a manner that brings each individual closer to his or her ideal self, thus bringing out the best in each partner."
This reminds me a bit of what I wrote earlier this year, about how being in love 'ideally together you strive to understand and support each other, share fully in each other's successes and help each other through challenges and setbacks, and be a constant safe place for each other's deepest emotions and thoughts.' When you know that such love is out there, that it is possible to give and receive love that builds you both up, you will absolutely 'yearn for profound love'. There is more on profound love here:
"Love is not about each partner having the other as his or her object; love is about what happens between the partners. It is dialogical. Lovers share what is important for flourishing in their emotional and practical lives [...] The affinity between such lovers creates a functional harmony in which personal identities do not just thrive but evolve. Lovers might develop similar preferences for music or theatre, or even begin to wear similar clothes. Such lovers often testify that they frequently have similar thoughts or that they understand each other even before words are spoken. But even here, identities are not fused – they are shared. Profound romantic satisfaction is not about possession but about flourishing; the other person is not an extension of you, but a partner for a dynamic fulfilling way of life."
All of this fits in either directly or indirectly with the themes of longing in some of the songs I've written about here. I thought for sure I had written about 'Supersonic Sound' here also, but when I looked back at the archive, I couldn't find it...then I realized what I'd written was over on the Apparatchick form, which was in a great discussion thread that is now just a digital memory. So, since I have no new songs to write about even remotely connected to the MF world, I'll pick up the 'Supersonic Sound' thread in another post soon :-)